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Luna Lovegood Luna Lovegood

and the Watch of Doom and the Watch of Doom

Page 6

by

James E. Pettis

Chapter One

The Great Divide

At the same moment, the girl and the woman let out heart-stopping, ear-piercing screams of unrestrained terror.  The girl started running forward again.  The witch was shuddering as she collapsed slowly toward the ground.  By the time the girl leapt the low wire barrier and reached her, she was completely still.  Purple smoke was curling up from her mouth and ears.  The daughter, crying, started shaking her mother and calling, “Mummy!  Mummy!  Mummy! . . .”

*           *           *

Please leave a critical comment!
Some of my concerns:
  • Does the horror of the mother’s death come through?

It was dark.  A man was sitting quietly on the wrought-iron steps in the center of his daughter’s room.  As he listened to her plaintive cries of “Mummy,” tears streamed down his face.  He knew what moment she was reliving in her dreams.  It had been nearly two years since his wife had died.  Since then, his daughter had woken him dozens of times with that same nightmare.  It happened less often now, but it still happened.

Xenophilius Lovegood knew that their lives, his and his daughter Luna’s, would always contain a break, a chasm, a Great Divide.  They could look back across it with the eyes of memory whenever they wished.  They could see, in brilliant color, what life was like on that Other Side.  That was the Side where his wife Venus was with them.  The problem was, they were on This Side, the Side Without Venus.  They would always be on This Side, and Venus would always be on that other.  Apart from them.  Distant.5

Please leave a critical comment!
Some of my concerns:
  • Does the lack of description make it seem as if you are looking at a man in a darkened room?
  • Is the sentence, “It happened less often now, but it still happened.” cornball?
  • Is the analogy of the Great Divide vivid?
  • Do you empathize with the feelings expressed in the last paragraph?
  • Do you like how the chapter ends with this paragraph?
If you would like a response to your comments or have questions, please e-mail your questions or comments to me at the address email@life-after-harry-potter.com.
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